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joelthelastofus:

I just dressed in all black. Put a shirt on my face and made it ninja like, look

image

and my parents lights are off and I’m light on my feet

so I just walk into my parents room and whisper “nancy” 

AND I SWEAR TO GOD HELL WAS RELEASED ON EARTH MY MOM THREW HER NOOK AT ME AND JUMPED OUT OF BED AND STARTED ATTACKING ME AND OH GOD WAS IT THE FUNNIEST THING I HAD EVER DONE

the-fandom-queen-of-skaia:

shazelblue:

what if saliva was just ur taste buds jerking off to attractive food

I tried to scroll.

I tried so fucking hard.

 (I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
Me:  “So, where’s your mom at?”
Boy:  “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
Me:  “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
Boy:  “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”  (I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)